LET'S GET SOME WRITINGS UP IN DIS BIZNITCH

(Am I allowed to say that? Biznitch?

...Anyways, here's a little something I cooked up when I was bored a couple of days ago. I had originally intended to post something like it in Smee's thread as another silly joke, but I ended up developing it further and decided that it was probably a better idea for me to throw it in here. So, enjoy it and stuff, I guess.)

[From the author of the critically acclaimed self-help books When All Your Friends Become Mutants and Protecting Yourself from Flesh-Eating Viruses and Other Exotic Epidemics comes this excerpt from his newest bestseller: Undoing the Undead: How to Leave a Haunted Mansion with Your Head Still Attached.]

FACING THE FOYER

The typical haunted mansion can be a formidable deathtrap to even the most experienced of adventurers. It has been known that approximately 1% of all mansion visitors will retain their sanity within only fifteen minutes after their arrival. However, it is important that you don’t give in to despair. Be optimistic. Focus on the positives. Breathe in and out deeply to calm your nerves. Once you’ve collected yourself, you’ll be ready to tackle your first obstacle.

Soon after you enter the foyer, you will undoubtedly discover that the entire concept of the “haunted house” is painfully ironic, as all of them are hardly suitable as places of residence. You will also come to realize the emphasis on the “painful” part of that irony. Almost everything in the mansion—both the physical and the psychological—will be designed to put a gruesome and painful end to your life. As proof of this, the first thing most visitors will notice is the front doors firmly and inexplicably locking shut behind them, preventing escape. You will be in this until the end, so ensure that you are the one that ends it. Pay close attention to your surroundings. Be perceptive. Trust nothing. And don’t forget to think in three dimensions. It is known that at least nine out of ten unwilling visitors will forget to check the chandelier upon advancing into the foyer. This can lead to grievous, bone-crushing agony, which should be enough of a reminder. A folded corner of a rug, a crack in the floor or staircase, even snuffed out candles can serve as clues to the malignant intentions of your less-than-gracious hosts. What you can’t see CAN hurt you.

Traps can come in all sorts of sizes and flavors, and as such they differ depending on the mansion (not to mention the extent of the cruelty of the mansion’s inhabitants). For the beginner visitor, however, here is a list of some of the most common traps one can expect to find, as well as a brief explanation of their methods:

• As stated above, the chandelier, if present, should be the FIRST thing a new visitor should consider. Locate it and take note of its characteristics. Is it lit? How far up is it? How is it shaped? Generally, you should be wary of chandeliers that appear unstable and tend to sway. Be careful of chandeliers with designs involving sharp edges, particularly ones that point downwards. Chandeliers close to the ceiling, especially in foyers with high ceilings, should also be avoided. If the lights are off, be especially careful, since in this case any chandeliers may be difficult to spot, especially if they are higher up. And, naturally, be prepared to deal with multiple chandeliers in the same room. They may look decorative, but their intended purpose is to decorate the mansion with your mangled corpse.
  
  
• Rugs and carpets are, of course, intended to cover the floor and make a room look nice. In a haunted mansion, rugs and carpets can cover nasty traps and make a room look really messy if a hapless visitor happens to unwittingly step on one. Carpets can hide traps that range from the painfully blunt—such as a conveniently positioned trap door—to the shockingly subtle—such as a pressure switch that prepares to thrust spiked walls at you once you open a door. Check underneath all carpets and rugs you come across. You need not bother with carpets that cover the entire floor, however, because tearing it out to place anything underneath would usually be too much of a hassle. When you do have to check a carpet, do so with care, since recklessly tossing up every carpet you see will usually produce the same results as if you had thrown yourself onto one. Lastly, be warned; carpet monsters are not just a myth.
  
  
• Although they may seem benign, snuffed out candles can prove to be quite a dastardly trick. Within a haunted mansion, you will be at the mercy of the shadows. Decent light sources will be few and far between. Naturally, the mansion inhabitants know this all too well. By only leaving some of the candles lit, you will be at the mercy of evil forces, which can effectively manipulate your path through the house. Sometimes there will also be special enchantments placed on the candles themselves, such as a charm that makes them melt when touched. These can make it more difficult to avoid this sort of pitfall. A great way to counter this is to bring your own light source. This seems obvious, but it can be surprising how often some visitors find themselves without one.

(I dunno what else to add right now. =\ )

Now that's funny, it reminded me of The Hitchhiker's Gude To The Galaxy. I could hear it like in the movie, with the voice reading it out loud, and a person on the screen doing what it's saying.

But what about Suits of Armor, Revolving Bookcases, Moving Statues, and Flying Cutlery?

Ooh, yeah, I should write about those too.

In fact, I should probably write about monsters under the bed too, since some folks seem to be having issues with that.